February 4

12:00 AM

Today has been more challenging than past days. This morning my host dad left for Kenya, and everyone went with him to the airport. I had to stay home because The previous president's wife was flying in from Johannesburg (where the previous president is in exlie). My mom said that since I'm a vazaha it was better if I stayed home because there would be a lot of people there and the current president would send the military. So I stayed home and then my friend (who is staying with my host grandparents) called me and invited me to hang out with her and my host aunt and do some shopping. So we ate lunch together and went to the market, which was much less scary than it was last time. I felt comfortable asking the prices of things and I even bought a really aweomse dress. When I was there I also saw an Ann Taylor Loft shirt, where I used to work, which was pretty cool. The dress that I bought is actually from H&M. Then we got picked up by my uncle and stopped on the way home to buy some meat. My friend, one of my aunts, my cousin and I stayed in the car, and I was next to the one of the windows and had it rolled down. I had my camera in my hand and was taking pictures of my 4 year old cousin. Then I held my camera in my lap and totally let my guard down, when a man reached in the window, grabbed my camera, and started running. Luckily, I had the wrist strap on, so even though he tried to take it, it was attached to my wrist and didn't go anywhere. I was terrified after that. It was such an adrenaline rush. I am thankful that I was able to learn such a valuable lesson without actually having anything taken. But I definitely realize a little bit more now that since I stand out here, I'm always being watched, and people know exactly what I have with me. I also learned never to rest something in my lap out in the open, and even not to take my camera places with me. It's definitely not a good feeling to have someone try to take something from you. I was angry and scared because I had had a false sense of security about things. Today there was also a little street child who was probably six or so, and she had a baby on her back, and she was grabbing onto me and asking for money. I tried to get around her, but she kept blocking me off from going anywhere, so I said "azafady" which means excuse me, and then she left me alone. I hope that wasn't rude to say, but I didn't know what to do and I was afraid that she was going to just start grabbing at and opening my purse. It's really hard to see things like that, where you want to help, but you know that you can't do anything to fix the problem, and giving money could potentially make things worse. Then I just woke up around midnight because something was crawling on my arm, and I hit it off and then realized it was something pretty big, so I jumped out of bed, turned on my flashlight, and there were massive bugs all over the room. I don't know if they were cockroaches or something else, but I just stood in the middle of the room with my flashlight scanning around my feet to make sure nothing touched me. It was awful. Then I turned on my bedroom light and I haven't seen any of the bugs in maybe half an hour, so I am back in my bed, but I'm having a really hard time getting back to sleep. I'm afraid I'm going to have nightmares. I also have to pee really bad, but it's dark to get there and I don't want there to be any bugs in the bathroom. I wanted to come to Madagascar partly because I want to grow up and realize that these sorts of things are quite trivial in the grand scheme of things. Who cares about a few little bugs taking over your room at night? But in reality, I don't know if I can get over the fear of creepy crawly things. Exposure therapy is probably not going to work for that one. I just hope that I can fall asleep soon and that I don't wake up with more bugs on me. I'm going to sleep with my light on, and hopefully that keeps them away. So the "culture shock" has definitely set in. They talk about how at first when you go somewhere new, for a while it's all so new and exciting, and then after a little bit, things start to go down hill a little bit. This has definitely started to happen. I feel like a child in an adult body. I don't understand a lot of things, from the way that things work in general to the language barrier, things are just pretty challenging right now. It's hard when I come home at the end of the day and I'm tired, and I realize that I can't just relax and speak English, but that I have to stumble along with my French skills in order to communicate with my family. Luckily, they're great and very patient with me, but it's hard to speak to them when my brain is tired. Nothing seems to come out right. I'm definitely having a bit of a language crisis. Between French, Malagasy, and English, my brain is quite confused. I think my English is actually suffering and getting worse. I notice that when I try to read in English, I'm doing it with a French accent in my head, and when I try to write in English, things just come out in the wrong order. But hopefully things will sort themselves out sooner rather than later so that my brain can relax. Anyway, I guess I'm going to attempt to get some rest since I've been up for an hour and a half due to these disgusting creatures that have taken over my room.

And in case I haven't mentioned in already, it's so hot here! I feel like I need to take three showers a day to keep up with how sweaty and nasty I feel. yuckkkk.


2:40 AM

Well, I've been awake now for three hours. Our maid just came in and then so did my mom. I guess these awful creatures are the infamous Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches. Supposedly they don't bite and they're not a problem, they just fly and crawl around when it's dark. So I'm sleeping with my light on, which my mom said was fine, and she said that when the light's on, they disappear. She chuckled when she saw me laying here with the light on and a scared look on my face. I didn't think the cockroaches would be that big of a deal, but they're awful. I'm such a baby when it comes to bugs. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the semester with these awful things.


7:30 AM

I made it through the night! After mom told me that everything was okay and I should try to get some sleep, I calmed down enough to sleep for another three hours or so. I'm definitely thankful because if I was up all night long because of cockroaches, I would have been exhausted and grumpy today. So thanks to my host mom for helping me relax! I don't know what I'd do without her. :) Now I'm about to go to church with my family, which is all in Malagasy, so I'm sure it will be interesting.